I don't know if I can put into words the sorrow I have felt the last 2 weeks. My father was a young man, having just turned 60 in December, and from all appearances in good health. Even so I received the phone call 2 weeks ago this very night from my mother that she had found him outside, non responsive. Two weeks later I am still unbelievable exhausted from my brain trying to wrap itself around the fact that Dad is not here. I understand I may always wrestle with that fact.
How quickly everything changes. Two weeks ago I was an only child of two loving parents who lived 7 miles away. We may not have seen each other daily (although my DH and dad worked together) but they were part of my living & breathing. I constantly made plans and planned life around them. They were in every scene of life; birthday parties, graduations, marriages, births...
And although I am more than half way past 36, I was a child. Yes, I am responsible, but I was Bob & Charlotte's child. I did not take care of my parents, they are/were young and healthy and self sufficient. Instantly, I feel like my mom's protector. She is strong and capable still, but I so want to DO for her. Not that there is anything I can do to take away this horrible pain. Never the less my heart has taken her in to my immediate family and she is mine to take care of now.
It all feels so strange.
I miss him calling me "Bon"
I miss his holey jeans and big grease stained work hardened hands.
The half gentle pinch/half rub on the arm that was his I love you/hello
I miss hearing him say "i love you" b/c he WOULD say it
That scrunched up face and higher pitched "AHHHH GEEEEZEEE" when he was teasing
Hundreds of other things I miss that I just wasn't ready to let go of....
7 comments:
I feel your pain, Bonnie. It is coming through the keyboard. Yes, be there for your Mom----I think it is not a matter of her needing you but you needing each other.
You will never get over it but remembering the good things and talking about your Dad will help. He will be forever in your heart.
He will not be forgotten because he was loved. Take care----MB
Bonnie, my sweet sister in the Lord. I am so, so sorry for your loss and your heartbreak. We're all just children when you get down to it.
With love and prayers,
Ann in Parsonsburg
Hi Bon,
Its so odd that I came to your site and you have a new post. I was just going to e'mail you to see how you were doing.
Well not all that good I'm sure. I didn't know you were an only child, I do believe that would make this even harder. I just don't know what to say. My dad died when I was eight, so maybe I was to young to really feel that awful loss. Then my Grandparents who raised me died when they were older which is somewhat expected. But to this day I miss them. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I hope for you that sometime soon that awful feeling will start to lift and you will remember to be happy, I think your Dad would love to know that you can be happy again.
Nancy Jo
I am so sorry for your loss. Your tribute to your family and especially to your dad is lovely and moving. I am praying for you all.
Bonnie, I wish I could take your pain. Know that he will always be with you.
Dear Bonnie, you don't have to let go, never! He was taken too early, but God has a plan, you are left to witness it. I lost my Dad many years ago, I still feel him smiling down on me, he's tending to his garden, and I'm tending to mine. Cherish every moment with your Mom, you have honored your Dad well. Hugs!
Blessings to you all. For sure it will be difficult for a long time.
Hugs and prayers
Carrie
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