Peace

Peace, that is what I yearn for. It is what I believe God for, His peace, that passes all understanding. Despite what I see & feel; despite the circumstances. I won't let go of Jesus & His peace. I can't afford to. You see today, I went to another funeral. This week I mourned & cried with many of the people I did this with a month ago. My aunt, dad's youngest sister (#7 out of 8 children) passed away Tuesday morning. 47 years old. Mother of two young adults. Sister, daughter, aunt, friend. The shock of an elderly mother that has lost her second child in one month. Siblings reeling from the pain. My mother & I trying to heal from the loss of my dad thrown right back to step one, but mourning also now because others are now so deeply touched by the pain we have experienced. Unbelievable. Incomprehensible.

You may or may not understand this, but I still believe with all my heart that God is good. He does not take from us. Sickness & death are the devil's business. God heals our broken hearts and promises us an eternity free from this pain with Him. And He also knows we get sad and beaten down and even lose our hope. He understands. He knows that right now, I am fighting moment by moment to maintain His peace....

~Blessings

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

And I hear the voice of mny angels sing
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
"Worthy is the Lamb"

I Will Rise
Written by Chris Tomlin, Louie Giglio, Jesse Reeves & Matt Moher
From the CD Chris Tomlin Hello Love

Missing Dad

I don't know if I can put into words the sorrow I have felt the last 2 weeks. My father was a young man, having just turned 60 in December, and from all appearances in good health. Even so I received the phone call 2 weeks ago this very night from my mother that she had found him outside, non responsive. Two weeks later I am still unbelievable exhausted from my brain trying to wrap itself around the fact that Dad is not here. I understand I may always wrestle with that fact.

How quickly everything changes. Two weeks ago I was an only child of two loving parents who lived 7 miles away. We may not have seen each other daily (although my DH and dad worked together) but they were part of my living & breathing. I constantly made plans and planned life around them. They were in every scene of life; birthday parties, graduations, marriages, births...

And although I am more than half way past 36, I was a child. Yes, I am responsible, but I was Bob & Charlotte's child. I did not take care of my parents, they are/were young and healthy and self sufficient. Instantly, I feel like my mom's protector. She is strong and capable still, but I so want to DO for her. Not that there is anything I can do to take away this horrible pain. Never the less my heart has taken her in to my immediate family and she is mine to take care of now.

It all feels so strange.

I miss him calling me "Bon"

I miss his holey jeans and big grease stained work hardened hands.

The half gentle pinch/half rub on the arm that was his I love you/hello

I miss hearing him say "i love you" b/c he WOULD say it

That scrunched up face and higher pitched "AHHHH GEEEEZEEE" when he was teasing

Hundreds of other things I miss that I just wasn't ready to let go of....